谁的英语比较好，帮我改一下错~~~~|『漫游水世界』 - 『漫游』酷论坛

谁的英语比较好，帮我改一下错~~~~

tanyin_2000@2010-05-30 04:28

这个是motivation

Dear Members of the International Graduate School Committee:

I am writing to express my great interest in applying for the Doctoral Grant in the Heinz Nixdorf Institute. I studied industrial engineering and management, from 2005-2010, at the University of Paderborn in Paderborn, Germany, where I obtained a diploma’s degree. I am much eager to continue my studies leading to PhD, which allows me to participate in more scientific works.

During my studies, I was always a curious and research-active student. Most of all I became very interested in design methodology for mechatronic systems, its principles and associated tools that allow the evaluation of future potential. In the context of future product development, during my diploma thesis, I worked directly with Wincor Nixdorf International GmbH to create a method, which finds the interactions between product concept and their production based on a set of indicators which covered design, function elements and viable techniques. The method proved to be a very important tool for the product planning, helping the decision makers to evaluate their local development plans, strategies and policies.
I have worked as tutor at Institute of Power Electronics and Electrical Drives for two years. The experience as a lecturer for over 200 students and the organization for the lessons proved my ability to work alone with responsibility. Several seminars and course provide me broad view of solving problem in various fields. I also have gained valuable experience in working on real projects.
Your program offers an exciting interdisciplinary scenario, in which I will have the opportunity to pursue my area of interest as a scientist. I am intellectually prepared to participate in this program, and I am eager to learn, to contribute and to have my knowledge complemented by that of recognized scientists from different disciplines, who collaborate in this program.
Thank you very much for considering my application and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely

这个是interest

Dear Members of the International Graduate School Committee:

Even as a freshman, I found the lectures in the area product innovation and development very interesting. After more lectures, exercises and the project seminar in this area, I took the opportunity to write my thesis in development and design of hybrid services. I was able to overcome interesting challenges in my works. Therefore I found more enthusiasm for the research topics for product innovation.
Due to my studies, I have a foundational understanding of the research in basic electrical engineering and product management. With my profound knowledge I would like to participate in the research program “self-optimizing concepts and structures in mechanical engineering”. In the diploma thesis I have worked a method out, with which the interactions between product development and production system are identified and defined. Furthermore, I gained more experience in the methodological work. I am interested in learning more about design of intelligent mechatronic systems. I believe firmly that my past experiences have prepared me well for the academic word.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you about this exciting opportunity.
Sincerely,

多谢~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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wking@2010-05-30 11:24

在英语国家的人都搞不定么国内还能搞定么:cool:

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atkio@2010-05-30 11:31

原来lz是米军基地的人

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anna467@2010-05-30 11:39

楼主上来用进行时是很奇怪的一般时就好了，还有你的有些词用的不对你表示读博是为了科学工作，最好用专业工作。

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超市是你家@2010-05-30 12:12

差生路过
PS：不过我记得去年培训口语的老头一再腔调的是，无论说什么，尽量少用：“I”，但我就是忍不住....