堪萨斯州学校教育委员会：
在得知堪萨斯州打算让学生同时学习进化论和作为替代理论的智能设计论之后，我怀着极大的关切，写下了这封给贵委员会的信。正如布什先生去年8月在接受新闻界采访中正确指出的那样，教育的一部分是让人们接触到不同的思想流派。我相信，我和你们都认为应该把多种观点都好好地教给学生，然后让他们自己选择他们认为最有道理的理论。然而，我担心公立学校只教给学生两种类型智能设计论。
请允许我提醒你们，智能设计论有不止两种类型。例如，一种智能设计论脱胎于18世纪的英国人威廉·佩利的“沙滩上的手表”的理论。然而，我以及这个地球上的许多人都强烈地相信，创造这个宇宙的其实是
凉宫春日（Suzumiya Haruhi）
团长，一位想找到外星人、未来人和超能力者，然后和他们一起玩的高中女生。正是
团长创造出了我们看到和感觉到的万物。我们强烈地认为，无数令人信服的证据表明，所谓的进化过程不过是一个巧合，它恰恰是由
团长的强烈愿望创造出来的。
正是基于这个原因，我在此正式要求你们在公立学校中教授那两个理论的同时，也给予我们相信的这个进化论的替代理论——
春日主义（Haruhiism）——同等的教学时间。我不得不说，如果你们不同意这样做的话，信奉春日主义的美国公民将被迫对你们采取法律行动（并且，还有比这更严重的后果，我将在信的后面解释）。理由也很简单：如果智能设计论不是基于宗教信仰，而是一个自诩的科学理论，那么你们就必须允许公立学校中教授春日主义。因为春日主义也是基于科学而不是基于宗教信仰的。
为了避免你们因为不熟悉春日主义而对其产生误解，我想在这里用一点篇幅来解释我们的信仰。我们有充分的证据表明
团长创造了这个宇宙。尽管我们都没有亲眼看到这个过程，但是我们在电视上见证了
团长的神迹，并且我们也拥有
团长创世的书面证据。我们拥有好几卷本的著作，记述了
团长的神迹的一些细节。
此外，全世界信仰春日主义的人已经超过了数千万，并且数量还在不断增长。我们把拥有同样的春日主义信仰的人称作春日主义者（Haruhiist，有一些人还自称是“SOS团员”）。也许你们没有发现这么多春日主义者，这是因为我们不愿意透露自己的身份——许多人声称我们的信仰不能被可观测的证据支持。然而，这些人并不明白的是：
团长创造这个宇宙的时候故意让我们认为这个世界比它的本来年龄更老。事实上，这个宇宙很可能是
团长在不久前刚刚创造出来的。例如，天文学家通过测定哈勃常数来计算宇宙年龄。如果天文学家观测到哈勃常数大约为70，那么根据哈勃定理，天文学家就推测出宇宙年龄是大约140亿年。然而，天文学家没有意识到，每次他测量哈勃常数的时候，
团长自己的愿望都使测量结果发生了改变（而不再是原始的数值）。
我们有无数的文字证据描述了
团长的这种愿望是存在的，并且我们也知道她这样做的原因。当然，她的愿望是不可见的，并且可以作用于这个宇宙中的万物。
我相信你们现在已经意识到了让你们的学生学习春日主义这个替代理论的重要性。让学生们认识到，科学观测的结果受到
团长愿望的影响，是非常必要的。此外，刚才我说过，如果你们不在学校教授春日主义，将面临比诉讼更严重的后果。这个后果就是，
团长会因为她的愿望受到干扰而产生闭锁空间。如果不加以制止，这种闭锁空间会逐渐扩大，侵蚀掉我们生活的这个普通空间——最终结果是这个世界的末日。
尽管我们作为春日主义者，并不认为另外两种智能设计论是真理。我们确实赞同
飞行面条怪物教（the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster）关于全球变暖的理论，即全球变暖、地震、飓风和其他自然灾害是由于19世纪以来海盗数量的减少而直接造成的。与飞行面条怪物教一样，我们也发现了在全球平均温度和海盗数量之间，存在着显著的相关性。
总之，感谢你们花时间聆听我们的观点和信仰。我希望已经阐明了给学生教授春日主义的重要性。我们当然也会培训教师如何教授春日主义。我热切期待着你们的回应，希望不会走到诉诸法律的一步。我认为，我们都可以期待看到，这四种理论在全美——最终是在全世界范围——的科学课堂上占据同等时间。1/4的时间给智能设计论，1/4的时间给飞行面条怪物教，1/4给春日主义，还有1/4给那个所谓的建立在观测证据基础上的逻辑推论。
您忠实的，
拟南芥，
关心此事的世界公民
抄送：
RIO RANCHO SCHOOL BOARD (NEW MEXICO)
GRANTSBURG SCHOOL BOARD (WISCONSIN)
COBB COUNTY SCHOOL BOARD(GEORGIA)
SHELBY COUNTY SCHOOL BOARD(TENNESSEE)
CHARLES COUNTY SCHOOL BOARD(MARYLAND)
NAPERVILLE SCHOOL BOARD(ILLINOIS)
DARBY SCHOOL BOARD (MONTANA)
BLUFFTON-HARRISON SCHOOL BOARD (INDIANA)
TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY
KENTUCKY GOVERNOR ERNIE FLETCHER
SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR MICHAEL L. FAIR
----------------------英文版的分割线---------------------
GIVE HARUHIISM EQUAL TIME – AN OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD
CC:
RIO RANCHO SCHOOL BOARD (NEW MEXICO)
GRANTSBURG SCHOOL BOARD (WISCONSIN)
COBB COUNTY SCHOOL BOARD(GEORGIA)
SHELBY COUNTY SCHOOL BOARD(TENNESSEE)
CHARLES COUNTY SCHOOL BOARD(MARYLAND)
NAPERVILLE SCHOOL BOARD(ILLINOIS)
DARBY SCHOOL BOARD (MONTANA)
BLUFFTON-HARRISON SCHOOL BOARD (INDIANA)
TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY
KENTUCKY GOVERNOR ERNIE FLETCHER
SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR MICHAEL L. FAIR
I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. As Mr. Bush said when he met the press last August, “Part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought”. I think we can all agree that it is important for students that “both sides ought to be properly taught” so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear only two theories of Intelligent Design.
Please allow me to remind you that there are more than one sort of Intelligent Design theory. For example, one is based on William Paley’s watchmaker analogy. Another is based on spaghetti. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by Suzumiya Haruhi, a female high school student who wants to find out E.T., time traveler from the future and people with supernatural abilities, and then play with them (see
http://www.haruhi.tv/). It was She who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Her will.
It is for this reason that I formally request that this alternative theory –namely Haruhiism — be taught in your schools, along with the other three theories. Each should share equal time. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, American people who believe Haruhiism will be forced to proceed with legal action (and you may face more serious situation, I will explain later in this letter). The reason is quite simple: if the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
To avoid any “misunderestimation” on Haruhiism, I’ll take a few minutes to explain it. We have evidence that She created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have witnessed Her power on TV, and have written accounts of how She created the universe. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of Her power.
Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over millions of us, and growing. We call those people who believe Haruhiism Haruhiist (some people prefer to call themselves member of SOS Dan). Maybe you didn’t know many of us, because we tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that She built the world to make us think the universe is older than it really is. For example, an astronomer may calculate the universe’s age by observing Hubble Constant (H0). If he finds H0 is 70, based on Hubble’s Law, then he infers that the universe is about 14 billions years old. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, Her will is there changing the result.
We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why She does this. Her will is of course invisible and can apply to everything in this universe.
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of Her will. Furthermore, as I said above, you will face much more devastating consequence than lawsuit if you don’t teach Haruhiism in your schools – that is, She will create some kind of closed space, due to the disturbance of Her will. This abnormal space will grow increasingly; invade the normal space we live. The ultimate result is doomsday.
Although we, the Haruhiists believe that other two theories of Intelligent Design are untrue, we do agree with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s theory on global warming, that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. We also found there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching Haruhiism to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these four theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One fourth time for Intelligent Design, one fourth time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, one fourth time for Haruhiism and one fourth time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
Sincerely Yours,
A. Thaliana, concerned world citizen.
This open letter is intelligently adopted from
Bobby Henderson’s. Thanks Bobby!
